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Nails by Night

June 18, 2014

nails nails2

Take a deep breath

– it’s just a bad night,

NOT a bad life.

*

I’ll meet my physiotherapist today.

Not a big deal for the most of us, but a quantum leap for me.

She has been my trainer last ten years,

because of my 3 whip lash injuries and some other back problems.

I was visiting her when I got “that call” from mammography department last fall,

when they called me to come back to take some new pictures.

*

In that very moment, I knew,

I knew I had cancer and everything would change.

*

That knowledge was like shower over me,

and it left me inside of a bubble.

It was an overwhelming feeling,

similar to that when I learned that my father had died.

*

She saw my direct reaction,

and tried to comfort me by saying that it’s normal to get a new control.

Of course, but I knew better.

It was time for a change:

So am I allotted months of vanity,

And nights of trouble are appointed me.

“When I lie down I say,

‘When shall I arise?’

But the night continues,

And I am continually tossing until dawn. 

Job 7

***

I was afraid.

It was exactly as Aristotle said

Fear is pain arising from the anticipation of evil.

I knew, that something bad was going to happen,

at once, I  compounded it with my experiences from past,

all the pain and problems I have had after the malpractice with the outbreak of appendicitis.

*

After few days of consideration, I got courage to make an appointment with her.

Mentally it means that I have to face my physical changes together with her,

she knows my muscles, my physical weaknesses and strengths,

she will notice the difference.

She will pinpoint them, and make me aware of the permanent damage in my body

and I don’t, I really don’t want to read any pity or sadness in her eyes.

I feel uncomfortable.

***

That’s why I’ve been dreaming about operations, hospitals and injuries.

I woke up in the middle of the night, every night, and wonder what’s going on in my brains…

Process of Cleaning,

Accepting,

and healing – I hope.

***

I painted my nails with a peaceful night scenery:

The sea ​​is deep blue,

it touches the beach peacefully,

and the waves are quiet.

The full moon illuminates the sky

and makes a silver bridge over the sea.

There are some tattered clouds gliding over the sky,

covering the moon as a flimsy and transparent cobweb.

***

In reality, the sea is quite far from me, but I can imagine it.

That picture gives me tranquillity and peace.

I can wait.

All these nights awake have their purpose.

I can wait.

 

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Heather Kopp

about grief, grace, and recovery from addiction

Steve McCurry's Blog

Steve's body of work spans conflicts, vanishing cultures, ancient traditions and contemporary culture alike - yet always retains the human element. www.stevemccurry.com

70 Degrees West

an environmental and humanitarian photo-documentary project from pole to pole along 70º west longitude

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