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Evil has Many Faces

January 9, 2014

Evilhasmanyfaces

It has taken me two days to tame the dread
that I got during my last visit to the hospital.

*

The aim was to finally get the results from the pathologist.
The doctor was late.
She came with a trainee,
and no one asked for my permission to her presence.
Our conversation was on the wrong track from the very first sentence.

*

I should feel well, but I don’t.
It has been a long period with strong antibiotics,
I’m tired.

I should be happy with my implant, but it hurts
and I can’t sleep with it.

It freaks me out to have a plastic lump and hoses under my skin.
The implant presses me inside
and it seems to be in the wrong place…
– In addition to all, it has really strange form.

I can’t wear normal underwear,
no shirt suits me anymore.

*

Doctor announced that she was ready with me.

I have to contact a plastic surgeon, if I want to change something.
She had seen 99,9% of my results, but couldn’t explain them to me.
The future is uncertain,
because we don’t know what kind of further treatments I’m going to get.
Radiation therapy will “destroy” tissues and the implant…
Chemotherapy can be used, even if cancer is entirely removed…
– You newer know if there is one cancer cell somewhere…
*
I got scared.
She will not help me with this lump.
I’m left alone with incomprehensible information,
bad answers,
with a suggestion that I have to purchase a prosthesis to correct my healthy breast.
*
We were shocked.
I started to cry.
We asked to talk to someone else: curator, psychologist…
They asked us to leave,
sit down in a crowded waiting room.
 I was waiting and crying quietly.
*
The answer was the same as last time:
Nobody is available during the next two weeks.
No one.
*
No answers,
No help,
No connection.
*
This doctor is familiar with my fear for hospitals,
She could see me shaking and sweating – again.
*
Sometimes,
evil appears through other people:
Suddenly, their behaviour changes,
and an appalling mask cover their faces.
*
And what comes out of their mouths
– what are their words?
As slimy, disgusting snakes,
they attack you.
Those words are not logical,
but they come with all kinds of fears:
those words creep into your mind and destroy all hope.
*

The heart of the righteous weighs its answers,
    but the mouth of the wicked gushes evil.

Proverbs 15:28

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Heather Kopp

about grief, grace, and recovery from addiction

Steve McCurry's Blog

Steve's body of work spans conflicts, vanishing cultures, ancient traditions and contemporary culture alike - yet always retains the human element. www.stevemccurry.com

70 Degrees West

an environmental and humanitarian photo-documentary project from pole to pole along 70º west longitude

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